It started with a mistake. I just came back to work after a long vacation. A co league of mine asked . Ask him if he still know what he's doing. I spaced out a little bit. My brain asked is there something wrong? A set on my chair. There is a problem during my absence. An issue related to my worked. Co worker conplaining on the call doing all nighter. He called my and told me the issue to get it fixed. It is my mistake I got goosebumps. It kept repeating over my head that day. I herd comments and felt like it was redirected to me I am not sure. But I absorbed it like I am a sponge and. I am fragile and weak hearing voices echoes and redirecting to me. The guilt is eating me. Why I did not fix it before. It was deployed during my absence. Every day I am having a goosbumps because of that issue. I kept hearing it like it's been recorded. My co league kept making joke about it. Everyday I don't want to hear it anymore but I could not avoid it. It is my work and I felt like that mistake is killing me.
The day passed by until the goal setting was discussed until it's my turn. I questioned internally with myself why mine is fast? As the comment was nobody on my team can say anything about me. I need to collaborate with my team I know but during that situation it's hard. Never did I know that my illnes was retriggered. It sucks to be you. That simple comment which I supposed to brushed off easily kept repeating in my head. I took medicine but did not affect me. I could not sleep. I thought going out for a vacation will bring me back to normal but it didn't. Even in the resort I heard voices like my hearing was amplified or maybe I am starting to hallucinate or it's part of my hallucination.
The next day after watching the pastor preach. I cried and had a converasation with my loving wife. I conffesed to her what I felt. Then I herd thunder and lightning strikes like it came for me. My illness got worst. We went outside for grocery the same day. Peoples around hated me. I heard them speaking and cursing me. I am scared but I don't want my wife to know. I felt like I am on another dimention or in shoal.
We go outside I said I am not feeling well. The polution and smokes from vehicles amplified and I felt being strungled. We need to go home now I said to my wife.
While at home when my son and daughter are out. Suicidal thoughts are eating my. My mind kept telling me what to do and how to achieve that. But I am resisting it. My old medicine is not effective anymore.
I am absent and I can't work because of my condition.
